People have different believes of who I am. Not a single one of them like the one I feel myself to be. In school, I try to be hard working and cheerful… that pretence somehow crumbled away last spring as I was a bit depressed and got myself kicked out of a few classes. Now I’m working hard to build it up again… I still can’t face my old English teacher…. And it’s getting a bit hard to avoid her. To my parents, I’m a good christian girl. Social and I seem to make new friends easily. Tomorrow I’m going to tell my mom I want to quit the church. I say just for the tax reasons… Which is not entirely true. I just don’t believe and I see no point in it as a Wicca to belong to any other church. I don’t despise others who might do so, but it doesn’t suit myself.
I think I have a good chance of keeping a good appearance up in work life. That wouldn’t be a problem. The closest to see my “real” self is probably Zero. He witnesses all the breakdowns and shit that I go through. Not that I tell him all of it. Sometimes I leave the good stuff out too. I just don’t remember to mention them. It bothers me. Nowadays every time we talk, I end up telling him what’s wrong. I just can’t lie when he asks. And believe me, I try. I am quite a good liar. Or I have been. Not that anyone here would believe me when I say that. I almost believed my own lies so that made them convincing. I used to live in a lie. Kept telling people around me things that weren’t true at all or only partially true. I do that sometimes even now. It was hard to stop lying. It just was so much easier. My mom was the easiest to fool. Still is. She just thinks she knows me too well. That’s why she is so careless. “Her proper little darling girl couldn’t possibly know how to lie…” The easiest trick is to get “caught” often in small matters. Helps to boost up the image.
Who knows anymore, what is the truth. Not me, that’s for sure. And who could prove me wrong? I don’t know a single person. I might be predictable, but that’s a different thing.
Well I’ll be able to sleep a bit longer tomorrow than usually on Wednesdays. Our gym class has been canceled. Yay! I don’t like schools compulsory exorcise that much. Mostly because I suck really badly in it. I have just music and philosophy. And then We get the bed tomorrow night. (Just not to be confusing… I know that it’s Wednesday all ready, but I haven’t been asleep yet so I’m living a Tuesday still)
I should probably get to bed, but I know now that Zero is all ready asleep I wont be able to rest until the witching hour is over. That’s another 15min. This sucks. I just don’t feel safe. I want my Athame next to me… Cat would probably laugh at me if she heard this. The moon started shrinking again. It was a nice full moon last night and I missed it because I was too tired. I should have purified and blessed my Athame, pentacles and crystal, but I guess that has to wait now until the next full moon. Still 10 minutes to go. I guess a little minesweeper wouldn’t hurt… Though it’s truly an annoying game in the end. I hope that Iz and My are sleeping well.
Sweet dreams for everyone…. Hopefully including me. I’m growing sick and tired of these nightmares.
