I’m feeling a bit “Blue” so to speak…. Dunno why. I guess it’s because I always use up so much energy worrying. I probably should stop that, but I can’t.
I still haven’t been sleeping at all, but reserved an appointment to the doctor today, and I promised Zero, that I’ll see the school psychologist when we get one. Haven’t felt like eating much lately, but I keep shoving food down my throat just to keep Zero from nagging. He has enough on he’s mind all ready even without me. Sometimes I keep thinking, that he should just walk away and leave me. But I hope that he doesn’t because it would feel really bad to me. He’s tired too. Even now he’s asleep on the bed. He’s so cute, even though he doesn’t like me calling him that. It really would be better for if I wasn’t here. But I’m not going to leave him. I don’t think I could. If I would, I probably would have to start looking for a new home. I just couldn’t stay. I’m afraid it would hurt him. It certainly would hurt me. Even if he would find someone else and be happy with her, I couldn’t just stand here and watch. I guess I would miss him too much. But I would also hate to be the one keeping him from being happy. Which I feel like I am doing… I hate me for it, even if it wouldn’t be true. gosh…. I don’t want to sound like this. But I’m allowed one bad month, am I?
Some stress I have right now is from the 80 euros I have to pay for returning books too late to the library. I’ll pay it when I get my next month’s allowance. And I’ll try to find a job, too. Haven’t had time for one until now because of all my studies. I would like to work in customer service. I think That might suit me well… But let’s see now… you never know.
On the brighter side, I had a really nice weekend. I don’t think it looked like that on Friday, or Saturday morning, because I really didn’t fit in that well, but Saturday evening and night I had a really fun time. I played boardgames for the first time in almost a year, I think. All thanks to people I felt relaxed with. I was really tired, still am, but I’m glad I went with Zero to see him play football. And we are getting a better bed too. I don’t think Zero likes the idea, but my back is killing me. i don’t think I could sleep here much longer. But I’m sure that it’s not just the bed that’s keeping me up at night. Or keeping me from falling asleep. It’s got to be something else. But if we wouldn’t get the bed, Zero would have to sleep alone here, while I would sleep on my own bed in my room. I don’t think that ether one of us would like that too much. It’s actually quite nice to sleep on the same bed with someone. Even if he snores when he’s drunk.
Talking about my own room. I have to go and tidy it up now. It’s really a mess and Zero’s sister is coming tomorrow. It’s also my cleaning duty today as it happens to be a Monday. It has been nice writing here as I haven’t had the time or opportunity (or energy) to write anything for such a long time. I’ll also have to rename the categories, because This isn’t working. For now, all my latest posts can be “uncategorized”.
