Didn’t have anything nice to say, so I figured that I shouldn’t say anything at all. And this will drive away the some users I might have had.

I made some changes too. Deleted The categories. I don’t like to use them. Bitch and moan as much as you want, but I won’t put them back. Not my style….

How have I been? Better… But I’m okay now. So Don’t you guys worry.

Hmm… Samhain was a few days ago so the wiccan year started again. We had a ceremony, Me and Cat… My was in his Old home town and I think Iz was around there too… Zero stayed in his room like a nice boy… Although he refused to take Dandy in there. But yeah… She fell asleep so She wasn’t a problem in the end. I was a bit disappointed with the ritual. we have so many differences in our believes with Cat, but oh well… I wasn’t in the mood to do another one myself in the evening. I ended up drinking with Zero…

I had fun. It wouldn’t seem like that, but I did. I ended up crying… But It felt ok. Seriously. It felt really good to just cry about everything I have told to Zero and also those things that I haven’t. Not that there are many of those… But still. Also we talked a lot. It cleared a lot of things from my mind that I had been pondering. Although I was very drunk. The hangover the next day…. (My mums birthday….) Well I don’t want to talk about that.

I would love to have more of those moments I had with Zero on Friday. Were we just spent time together and seriously be with each other. Not just be near each other… Be around each other. I’m still head over heels in love with him. And I don’t know what to give to him on his birthday…. Lucky I still have time.

We have been half a year together. Exactly so on Friday. And I forgot. He gave me a red rose.

I think I have a good chance of keeping a good appearance up in work life. That wouldn’t be a problem. The closest to see my “real” self is probably Zero. He witnesses all the breakdowns and shit that I go through. Not that I tell him all of it. Sometimes I leave the good stuff out too. I just don’t remember to mention them. It bothers me. Nowadays every time we talk, I end up telling him what’s wrong. I just can’t lie when he asks. And believe me, I try. I am quite a good liar. Or I have been. Not that anyone here would believe me when I say that. I almost believed my own lies so that made them convincing. I used to live in a lie. Kept telling people around me things that weren’t true at all or only partially true. I do that sometimes even now. It was hard to stop lying. It just was so much easier. My mom was the easiest to fool. Still is. She just thinks she knows me too well. That’s why she is so careless. “Her proper little darling girl couldn’t possibly know how to lie…” The easiest trick is to get “caught” often in small matters. Helps to boost up the image.

Who knows anymore, what is the truth. Not me, that’s for sure. And who could prove me wrong? I don’t know a single person. I might be predictable, but that’s a different thing.

Well I’ll be able  to sleep a bit longer tomorrow than usually on Wednesdays. Our gym class has been canceled. Yay! I don’t like schools compulsory exorcise that much. Mostly because I suck really badly in it. I have just music and philosophy. And then We get the bed tomorrow night. (Just not to be confusing… I know that it’s Wednesday all ready, but I haven’t been asleep yet so I’m living a Tuesday still)

I should probably get to bed, but I know now that Zero is all ready asleep I wont be able to rest until the witching hour is over. That’s another 15min. This sucks. I just don’t feel safe. I want my Athame next to me… Cat would probably laugh at me if she heard this. The moon started shrinking again. It was a nice full moon last night and I missed it because I was too tired. I should have purified and blessed my Athame, pentacles and crystal, but I guess that has to wait now until the next full moon. Still 10 minutes to go. I guess a little minesweeper wouldn’t hurt… Though it’s truly an annoying game in the end. I hope that Iz and My are sleeping well.

Sweet dreams for everyone…. Hopefully including me. I’m growing sick and tired of these nightmares.

I still haven’t been sleeping at all, but reserved an appointment to the doctor today, and I promised Zero, that I’ll see the school psychologist when we get one. Haven’t felt like eating much lately, but I keep shoving food down my throat just to keep Zero from nagging. He has enough on he’s mind all ready even without me. Sometimes I keep thinking, that he should just walk away and leave me. But I hope that he doesn’t because it would feel really bad to me. He’s tired too. Even now he’s asleep on the bed. He’s so cute, even though he doesn’t like me calling him that. It really would be better for if I wasn’t here. But I’m not going to leave him. I don’t think I could. If I would, I probably would have to start looking for a new home. I just couldn’t stay. I’m afraid it would hurt him. It certainly would hurt me. Even if he would find someone else and be happy with her, I couldn’t just stand here and watch. I guess I would miss him too much. But I would also hate to be the one keeping him from being happy. Which I feel like I am doing… I hate me for it, even if it wouldn’t be true. gosh…. I don’t want to sound like this. But I’m allowed one bad month, am I?

Some stress I have right now is from the 80 euros I have to pay for returning books too late to the library. I’ll pay it when I get my next month’s allowance. And I’ll try to find a job, too. Haven’t had time for one until now because of all my studies. I would like to work in customer service. I think That might suit me well… But let’s see now… you never know.

On the brighter side, I had a really nice weekend. I don’t think it looked like that on Friday, or Saturday morning, because I really didn’t fit in that well, but Saturday evening and night I had a really fun time. I played boardgames for the first time in almost a year, I think. All thanks to people I felt relaxed with. I was really tired, still am, but I’m glad I went with Zero to see him play football. And we are getting a better bed too. I don’t think Zero likes the idea, but my back is killing me.  i don’t think I could sleep here much longer. But I’m sure that it’s not just the bed that’s keeping me up at night. Or keeping me from falling asleep. It’s got to be something else. But if we wouldn’t get the bed, Zero would have to sleep alone here, while I would sleep on my own bed in my room. I don’t think that ether one of us would like that too much. It’s actually quite nice to sleep on the same bed with someone. Even if he snores when he’s drunk.

Talking about my own room. I have to go and tidy it up now. It’s really a mess and Zero’s sister is coming tomorrow. It’s also my cleaning duty today as it happens to be a Monday. It has been nice writing here as I haven’t had the time or opportunity (or energy) to write anything for such a long time. I’ll also have to rename the categories, because This isn’t working. For now, all my latest posts can be “uncategorized”.

Friday and Saturday:

We had a lovely weekend at my parents place with Zero. (They were away, of course… We wouldn’t have went there otherwise.) We dyed his hair (and it went horribly wrong. Not our fault. He’s mad at My and I’ll tell you about the revenge later.) and played some games on the yard. We also went to the near by woods and just sat there. I had such a nice time.

Oh… Well I didn’t eat much and kept feeling sick, but that’s not a big deal to me. Zero was mad at me for refusing to eat, but I felt so bad I just couldn’t get anything down even if I would have wanted to. Which I didn’t….

We also watched Million Dollar Baby (The Clint Eastwood movie about a boxer…) Or I got somehow hooked to the movie while Zero was making waffles and we watched ’till the end together. I was crying the final 45min of it like a fountain. It took Zero 15min to notice… A bit slow, or am I just good? Who cares. Not the point.

Sunday:

We went to Estonia by boat. Me, Zero, Iz and her friend. Had to wake up too early to get to a bus and we went to the wrong terminal at first. Iz almost missed the whole ship as she had problems with work. My was supposed to come too, but had other plans, so we ended up there, just the four of us. We played cards with Zero onboard the ship. I actually won! I bought a few pieces of jewelry and hair colors. And four cute wine bottles. I’m not going to drink them. At least not yet. But I like how they look, So I keep them at the cupboard.

We had so much stuff when we came back that Zero has a huge back ache from the carrying and my hands still feel a bit like spaghetti. His feet are not feeling well ether as he wore new shoes for the fist time. Not a very smart thing to do, if you ask me. But all together it was a fun, but tiring. It was 1.30 am today when we finally got to bed.

(To be continued…. I’m too tired….)

I’ve had a wonderful day. And a wonderful evening, too. I can’t seriously remember when was the last time when I have been this relaxed. In the morning, I went with Zero near his workplace. When I came back on the train, there was this woman in front of me. She looked like she would have been scared at first, but there was not much space in the wagon, so she had to sit there or stand the whole way. So she sat. First she looked at me and I smiled at her. And she smiled back. Not much time passed and I was eating peas and she pointed out a garbage can near me for the peals. I thanked and offered her a pea as she was looking at them and she was really positively surprised. And soon she said something about the summer just starting now and we started talking about vegetables and berries and their prices. But I clearly made her happy just by talking to her and being my overly social self.

Tonight was the first time ever I went drinking outdoors. And by drinking, I mean drinking alcohol. I usually just stay sober as I have to baby sit for my friends or my boyfriend. But tonight, I went to a park, and sat with My and some other friends. And we threw grass on each other and had fun. At least I had. There was this sweet old lady, who gave us a bag where we can put our bottles to and then she can take them later. We gave her almost all of our empty bottles, except for one. It was stolen by a not-so-sweet kid on a bike.

Then we went to another park where Iz was with some people and Zero and his friend joined us. I had fun until they started to talk about going into a bar afterwards. I don’t really mind that much if they go and I don’t even want to go for the drinking. It’s just that I feel so left out as I’m the only one not old enough to get in. Now that Iz just had her birthday, that is… Before it hasn’t been a problem, but tonight I would really have wanted to go. I’ve had so much fun and I love spending time with everyone. Suddenly I felt like shit and needed some time for myself. Not being able to go to the bar wasn’t the reason. It was just something that triggered the reaction. I can’t really put my finger on it, but… I felt so alone.

I left without saying to sit on a bench further away from the others. My came to see if I was OK and the next thing I notice I’m crying. I just felt tired and, well… I got worried. And didn’t want to be alone. I so wanted Zero to come home with me. My convinced me after a few more tears and “I can’t” -reactions to say it straight to Zero. My hands were shaking so much and I felt so selfish so I didn’t really want to, but I pulled Zero away from the rest of the people and we kissed. And we talked. And then we kissed and talked some more. And I think that he’s starting to get my point. I’m really happy. Although Zero left to the bar any ways, even though I said to him that I wanted him home with me, I promised him I would trust him. Now if he lets me down I’m seriously going to fall apart. I hope that It doesn’t happen. I want to trust him, but it’s hard. He has let me down a few times. But he’s trying. And I think that he can be trusted now. After all the talking.

Trust is a weird thing. It’s hard to trust a person, if you know the person doesn’t trust you. Even if the other person claims that he or she trusts you, but you see that he’s lying. Maybe even to their self. Even if they want to believe it and they want to trust you, if you haven’t given the person any reason to distrust you and they do, you really can’t trust them. Still trusting is something you must do. To trust and to give a second… or a third or a fourth or a twelfth chance if they need it. Well that depends on the person. But most people really deserve a second chance.

It’s getting so cold out here, and my eyes can’t keep open, so I think I’ll go to bed. I’ll write the Rune list later into the Blank Rune -category. Yeah, yeah… I’ll seriously do it, when I have nothing better to do. Now I’ll head to bed. I hate falling asleep. Especially alone. I would so want to have Zero here by my side so I could feel more safe. I just need some one to hold me right now, but there is no one around. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to hug the pillow again. I even lost my crystal last night, so no comfort from that ether. I hope I don’t have nightmares now as I did have them again last night and I wish that Zero would come home soon. I don’t think I can properly fall asleep by myself. I don’t want to. I’ll just call him to say good night. That might help. Lets see…

A short summary of my days:

I haven’t done anything special, really. Just the same old life I have. Some of Iz’s friends invited us to a costume party to a park in three weeks time and the nightmares have returned. I’ve also studied Runes and decided to get my Athame sharpened. It makes sense and effects the way I can handle it during rituals. Gives a nice feeling. Now I just really have to trust Cat (My Wicca friend) with it. Ouch… I wonder if it was a good idea. I should also paint the handle,  but for that, i need paint.

Cat is my best friend (Or one of them). I trust her the most. If I don’t count my roommates she’s about the only one who knows I’m a Wicca. She was the one who actually initiated me. Now she has found herself a Wicca boyfriend and a job and I’ve been kind of left behind. When we return to school in August that will change, though. we will be stuck together there for two more years and I’ll listen to her problems. That’s what I always do. Everyone else talks to me and I listen and try to help them. I don’t know who I should talk about of my problems with, so I’ve decided to dump them on the Internet. That way, if anyone cares to read about them they can. Weird, huh?

It’s actually much nicer to write about stuff than talk about them as you don’t have to explain so much if you don’t want to and there is no-one to ask questions you don’t really want to answer. I’m not a person who actually wants solutions to her problems. I just want to tell about them. That’s what helps me to see what I want to do about the situation if anything.

But now I want hot chocolate, and I’ll continue to play Stepmania on the computer. It’s a very addictive game and I want to learn it (as at the moment, I suck big time). Zero plays it and it looks fun but I can’t play when he’s home as I just make a fool out of myself, so I practise to get better. I’m getting better and better, bit by bit, but there is still a long way to go before I can claim that I can actually play the game.

Zero should really put his messenger to show that he’s away. Every day it just keeps flashing in the bottom of the screen as someone wants to know if he’s here. It gets annoying after a while… I should say it to him if I remember. But now some hot chocolate.

And sorry for the not so organised posting. I really try to avoid stuff like this, but I’m so tired I can’t keep my thoughts together and that affects my writing. I hope I can sleep at night…

I also saw my old principal today. She lives here, in the same part of the city were we live. Scary. And still, after two and a half years have passed she remembered me. And you believe me, I have changed. Dyed my hair and everything. She was our student counselor too and asked me all sorts of questions of my current and future studies and how has life been. I was in a bit of a shock for quarter of an hour after the random encounter with her. She had done well after leaving my old school. Got a new job too. She originally left to substitute a principal of another school but decided not to return to her old job. It’s weird to think that principals have lives outside of schools too. And that this particular one wears something else besides suits.

Oh… And I forgot the prescription for my pills home this morning. And I went to the pharmacy again later today, but forgot it again. So now it’s “Sorry Darling…. I’m pregnant. Here. Have some Blueberry Pie.”  *puppy dog eyes and a cute smile*

Hopefully this would work better.

The night… or evening before that… It was wonderful. I was so happy. Overly cheerful. we went to the movies with Zero. And it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Felt kind of cornered before that. About not being able to sleep mostly, but there were other things too on my mind… Like Tarot readings and stuff. But I don’t want to talk about those… not right now. It’s weird, that every time I’m happy I get this feeling that it’s all going to end. Like nothing good could happen to me. Not for long at least. So I get all worried about little stuff and it starts to annoy me. Apparently I had a talk about Zero leaving me with him during the night. And I can’t remember a thing. It bothers me a bit. But that’s how i always screw things up. I’m getting used to it all ready. (Not by talking in my sleep, but by worrying too much. I just can’t help it. I’ve tried, but no…) I just want to know what I said.

I’ve been a bit grumpy too. And thrown it all on the person nearest to me at the moment. Unfortunately it has been Zero. But every time I apologise as it’s not his fault, he just laughs at me. Then I get angry to myself for feeling that way and leash it all out on the person next to me… Zero. And I get angry for getting angry and not being able to hide it so I hide it away, take a smiling face or something and let it all pile up ’till my self loathing is something I can’t handle and it crushes me. Then I ether get depressed and tired or a bit grumpy and it all starts again. It is seriously not fare to Zero who has to deal with it the most. I seem to be incapable of doing it myself… But I’m trying to work on it and at least I see that I have a problem.

About the Rune Stones. I drew the runes myself. Was too anxious to wait for My to do it for me. But they came out OK and I’m a bit proud of myself. I guess when something is important enough to you, you put your heart and soul into it so everything works out just fine in the end. I’ll make the list I promised later. Now I’m too lazy and need to actually go to the store for milk. And bread, cheese, juice and something to eat today. Yeah. That’s about it. The store opened at 7:00 am and it’s all ready almost 9:30 am so there shouldn’t be a problem with it being open. And I need to visit the pharmacy for my pills. It would be bad if I forgot those. That’s a conversation I wouldn’t want to have… at least not yet… “Sorry Darling… I’m pregnant.” *cute puppy dog eyes*

You think it would work?

On the fourth night I woke Zero up by screaming. And my mum, dad and sis too. We were at my parents place for the night as we had gone dancing earlier at the evening with my mum and dad. Oh… Zero said that he was awake all ready, had been for a few seconds before I sat up on the bed and screamed. He said to me that then I covered my own mouth with my hand. And all the time I had had my eyes open. He said that I looked terrified. When I woke up Zero was holding me and calming me down by whispering to me softly. That’s the only thing I remember. I just felt worn out and weak. Maybe I should be concerned if this keeps up.

Last night (which was the fifth night, by the way) I didn’t want to feel so unsecured as I felt on the previous nights, especially on Saturday, so I tied my pentagram and crystal to my wrist. The dreams didn’t stop, but I woke up at some point and didn’t feel so bad afterwards. I still know that something was wrong. If i only knew what I was dreaming about, If it’s a warning or something, maybe I could make them stop. But as long as I subconsciously block the dreams out, there is nothing I or anyone else can do.

On the more brighter side… I got a new rune-book today. OK…. It’s for Rune Cards and I’m going to make Rune Stones (Or actually My is drawing them for me….) But the interpretations should be the same. I’ve named my categories after the Viking Runes. I’ll post a list of the meanings later… And I’ll publish it in the Blank Rune -category. That way it will be easier to find my posts when necessary.

I woke up after 8 in the morning. Not a bad time on vacation. Could be worse. Head to the city centre with Zero. From there I went to the neighbouring city to visit my mum and little sis. We went shopping. OK… I had a little nervous breakdown for no good reason on the way… No big deal. That wasn’t the issue.

I saw a friend at 5:30 pm for hot chocolate in a nice (but a bit overly expensive) Wayne’s Coffee. Earlier I had decided to go and see a movie alone afterwards, I would need the time to myself, but when my friend heard this she wanted to join me. I couldn’t say ‘no‘ so I took her with me. We saw Sex and the City. Not a bad movie. A little predictable, though. But that was to be expected.

When the movie ended I went to the park where My, Zero and some others had gone earlier. My left to see a concert and I found myself left there with a rarely so drunken Zero. I had to drag the guy home as he was not in a condition where he could walk on his own. When he was finally ready to go, it took us over an hour and a half to make a half an hour journey back. And all the time I needed to hold him even standing and keep him from making anyone mad. He has a tendency to go and pick a fight with strangers when drunk. That, or then he becomes cuddly. Yesterday he wasn’t definitely cuddly. And I had to fight with him that he would listen me where to go as he thought he knew the best.

I know… It isn’t easy for him to depend on a girl, or let one keep him standing. Emotionally, it must be horrible for a guy like Zero. He is the type that consciously or unconsciously thinks that a guy should be always the stronger in a relationship. And he hates to be in such a weak state. Or that’s what I think. He told me all the way how sorry he was and kept saying how wonderful I am and how he loves me. I bet when he finally wakes up, he doesn’t remember a thing. And I won’t tell him. Let him wonder. He wouldn’t have even gotten on the bed without my help. Well it wasn’t easy for me to get him home either.

Tomorrow… Or actually today…. We should have dinner with my parents and go dancing in the evening. My back and arms hurt so much, I don’t know if I can go. I probably just have to take a painkiller and bite my lip. And if someone dares to have a hangover he’s in for a cold shower… Right now, I’ll have to try and get some sleep.

The ideas are like all the socks the washing machine ate. You know, the countless ones which only have one of the pair left after you have washed the laundry. Everyone has those. Maybe there is a waste land for all the ideas where they wither together until someone invents them again. I don’t know.

It’s cold in here. maybe I should get a blanket. Or maybe I should get some sleep. I slept for 12 hours last night and I’m still tired. I should help Zero clean today. It’s his turn. Mine was on Monday, but Iz had done so good work on Sunday that there was nothing really to do. She shouldn’t work so hard. There is no reason for her to do so. Well maybe I’ll wash the toilets or something. If I don’t fall asleep…

And in case that anyone was wondering. I was more important than a computer game. Almost lost to Dragon Ball episodes, though… I guess it can’t be helped.

Still a few more hours ’till I can see with my own eyes if it’s true or not. I bet that Zero will open it. Not that anyone would take that bet as every single person who knows him, knows that he’ll open the damn machine. Not necessarily right away, but when we are about to go to sleep he will. “Just checking my auctions”… Or something like that.

How can you even compare the real world with the virtual one? Or rather compare the virtual world with the real one. I understand that people use the virtual world to get out of the real one just for a few moments. I’ve done that too. And I understand that people mix the two together. Heck, I’m doing that right now. But compare them…? Not a chance. We here, sitting behind our computers are flesh and blood. We have to eat, drink, sleep, some of us need to smoke. Not me. I need chocolate. We have so much more. We are needed for the virtual world to exist, but we don’t need the virtual world to do so. On the other hand, there are special cases that need the virtual world to recognise their own existence. But they could just walk out of the door. Even though they need a lot of courage to do it. The only thing common between the worlds is energy. The pure energy in all living things and most lifeless objects and electricity.

I want to get out of the house and walk. Walk and breathe. Lately it has been hard for me to get air inside my lungs. It’s psychological, more than physical, even though I have been blaming the flu. It’s the feeling of being small. But not small enough. A few days ago. It was Friday night, I think. I visited a place where I feel small. And I love every second I spent there. In an empty house, on the other hand, I feel small and alone. I hate the silence. I leave the TV on just for the noise even if I’m not watching it. Not very economical, is it? It has to be the right smallness so that I feel good. I wonder if it is the same for others… Tonight I will go some place. Some place nice. I’ve god damn earned the right to go just by being here. But first, I need to visit the store for some milk.

I wonder how the time flies even if you are alone and with nothing to do? I live with three other people, one of them being my boyfriend, and still every single day I just end up spending time alone. My boyfriend works from 11:30 am to 7:30 pm so we don’t spent that much time together as one could assume. Actually all of us are very different. Four really different people just happening to end up living together. Iz was my first room-mate. I met her through school. She’s in the same home room class as me.

We had known each other for nearly a year when she called me and asked would I like to move in with her. She was to be kicked out of her flat in the end of the summer. Not because she would have any trouble with the landlord firm. Not from her part any ways. The landlord was going to have a renovation in the building and it had to be emptied. We (meaning just Iz) searched for an apartment through a private owner and found one. Two weeks after that we were living together. Long story short, Iz did all the paperwork and I had to just sign some papers she had approved first. I’m really bad with paperwork and formal business. She is a gift from the God… And the Goddess, of course.

After living with Iz for a year (Ok… 8 months, but it felt like a year to me…. In a good way. Don’t get me wrong.) she asked me if her friend My and his friend Zero could come over for a few days as they would be in town. We’ve never had any problems with someone staying over so of course I agreed. I love meeting new people. I’m a very social person. Overly social for that matter. But those are stories for some other time. I’m trying to keep on topic in here even if it is kind of difficult. My and Zero stayed a week. And another one, as I was at my parents place as some guests came from Italy. And then they stayed for a little bit longer. The two-room apartment was a bit small for four and the guys needed a place to live in so we searched (and by we, I mean Iz and My. But mostly Iz.) for a new place live. And ended up moving together.

We started the search in April. Zero and I had been spending a lot of time together as we both liked to walk in the park at night and we slept in the same room. He slept in my room, on my bed, and I slept at the floor. My and Iz slept in Iz’s room. We talked a lot and on April 30th, He asked if I would be interested in him. He was drunk as hell and I said that we’ll talk about it the next day, when he would be sober. I had made up my mind all ready by then, after talking about it first with both Iz and My. Iz and My had apparently talked about it with him too… Or mainly Iz talked with me and My with Zero. And Iz and My talked together. If Zero wouldn’t screw up badly I would say “yes”. He was in a pathetic state and I had to hold him so he could keep on the road (Which wasn’t easy. I was completely sober. I’m always sober on the Sabbaths… The four main ones and their eves at least.) He didn’t do anything stupid and when he recovered the next day, as the sun was setting we went to the park. That’s how a Wicca-girl ended up with a total nerd. But at the moment, he’s my nerd. And him being so much of a nerd was revealed to me only later. In the park he confessed that he didn’t remember our first kiss. He had to ask me whether we kissed on the previous night or not. We had. We are counting that our dating started on April 30th rather than May 1st. I think it is a good solution.

I haven’t said much about My. He’s a nice person, really. Gosh that sounds bad. My is my gay friend (who isn’t actually gay). We talk much about stuff that is important and stuff that is not so important. We also drink coffee together and go shopping. He even dyes my hair. Every girl should have a gay guy as friend. It’s very therapeutic. What more can I say. He designs clothes and is very good at sewing. And he knows Zero well so if something in him bugs me I can talk with My and he actually understands the situation.

Damn… Look at the clock. It’s almost eight. I’ll close this for today and go and make that baguette. I am a bit hungry all ready. Last time I ate was nine hours ago. Time truly does fly. even Zero came home all ready. Maybe he wants some of my baguette too. I’ll have to ask…